Most of us are used to being asked, “How was your day?” And generally, we offer a generic response of “it was fine”.
We may take a few minutes to chat about something important or annoying that happened, but usually this exchange is over too soon, and we walk away without sharing too much information. Too often we are distracted, we don’t have time, there are other more important things to do or say.
This is normal, it’s the consequence of daily life. We get into routines of going to work, attending appointments, looking after the kids, making food, taking the dog out for a walk, and before you know it your sat in front of the TV after a long day with no energy and no motivation to do anything other than relax and unwind.
So, what’s the problem?
The problem is, too many of us have no idea what’s going on in our partners lives, outside of the 4 walls we live in. We may know about an issue that’s happening at work, or an appointment they've attended, we may know about the woman from next door who keeps moving the bins, we may have a general idea about what our partner does when we separate each day, but in all honesty, we don’t know enough, and this creates distance.
Why is it a problem?
If we don’t feel engaged with our partners lives outside of the relationship, we can start to feel isolated and lonely, like sperate entities living in the same house, but we should be a team. We've all felt it when our partner doesn’t listen like we want them to. When the experience we had that day, isn’t as important to them as it is to us. When they don’t seem as bothered as you are. It hurts. You’re left feeling unheard, alone, and generally unimportant to them.
Over time this takes its toll, if you don’t feel heard or seen, you will start to resent your partner. Arguments will increase, your issues will never feel resolved and eventually the distance between you, may feel too great to carry on.
So, what can you do to strengthen the connection in your relationship?
Well, it’s really simple, you need to start talking.
Daily check ins should be a part of every healthy relationship. It’s a time when both of you can catch up with everything that’s happened to you that day. You can share experiences, get advice, and offload daily stresses. You are a team, so whilst you have your own life away from your partner, that team is the structure that supports it.
The task:
FIRST: When either you or your partner walks through the door you need to stop and take a second to assess your partners energies.
Before you start your normal routine of saying hello, asking how they are then heading off to get changed and start your evening, you need to take a second to be present.
Ask yourself, how do you feel right now? Are you tired & stressed out? Are you frustrated about an issue that’s on your mind?
Then try to feel what’s going on for your partner. Are they running around the house manically busy? Are they stressed out? Do they appear withdrawn or distracted or are they happy & relaxed?
Once you have an idea of where you’re both at you can be more aware of the emotions that may be in the room and adjust yourself to suit.
If your stressed and frustrated after a long day, take a deep breath and, if needed, a minute to ground yourself. You’re home now, you can relax and deal with whatever you need to deal with in calm and supportive environment.
If your partner is stressed and frustrated, be mindful of that, acknowledge it and do what you can in that moment to support them.
SECOND – Once you have both sat down and have time and peace, ask your partner about their day but, you need to make sure you have the time to engage properly without distraction, follow the rules below to ensure you get the most out of this:
GOLDEN RULES
Put your phone away & turn off the TV. You need to give your full attention to your partner. If something distracts you, like the kids calling, or the phone ringing, let your partner know you will be back and deal with that quickly before returning.
Sit comfortably so you can see & hear your partner. Body language is important, you need to look receptive, so your partner feels comfortable enough to talk.
Listen. After you have asked them how their day was, its over to them. Your job is to sit back and listen. Make sure you look at them, use your body and facial expressions to show you are listening. Don’t interrupt, sigh, or roll your eyes, unless you’re doing it to show support, obviously.
Ask questions. The best way to stay engaged is to get involved, so ask for more detail.
Offer advice or your perspective. Be careful with this one. We all want to be able to support our partners with situations that are causing them problems or insecurities but, if you tend to have different views and opinions to your partner, that often trigger disagreements, be cautious when offering advice. Try to think like your partner, how would they most likely tackle the situation, what would feel most comfortable to them. Don’t just steam in with the things you would do if this were something you know your partner wouldn’t appreciate.
Give them time and space. Offloading our day can take time, you may have been away from each other for 10+ hours, so that’s a lot of things to potentially discuss. Give your partner time to tell you all of things they want to share and don’t rush them. Similarly, your partner may need time to gather their thoughts between sentences so if they go quiet, give them that time. Don’t try to fill the silence, just wait.
Don’t jump in. You will get your time to speak, don’t interrupt and take over the conversation. Yes, you may have experienced something similar yourself that day or that week but is it important that you share that now? If its going to support your partner in that moment and help them in some way, then of course, share this, but if not, zip it. You can talk soon.
Return the favour. Once your partner has finished, ideally, they will ask you how your day was. However, don’t be too dismayed if they don’t do this automatically, they may still be caught up in what they were just discussing. When its your turn to talk, make sure you share your day with your partner in as much detail as possible. Tell them about the annoying co-worker who keeps sending you aggressive emails. Tell them about the friendly man in the local shop who knows your name, tell them about Dan down the road who has just booked a trip to Southeast Asia with his family. It doesn’t matter how small or unimportant you think it is, what matters is that you share with your partner, some of the things that made up your day.
And that’s it. Simple right?
Ok, so maybe for some people this won’t be simple, in fact this will feel so alien to them that they will probably dismiss it. Or they might give it a go but not give it the effort it deserves, i.e., not follow the rules!
I can’t do that! - If you want to feel the connection with your partner increase, then you need to commit to involving yourself in their life. It’s just talking, take it slow, take your time and if need be, think of some things to discuss prior to your discussion. Eventually it will just be a part of your everyday life.
They won’t open up - For others, they may try but find their partners aren’t as receptive as they would like. For this, I say, keep trying. If you have never talked like this, or haven’t done it for a while, it can take time to get used to, your partner might think your doing it for the wrong reasons, so tell them about it first, discuss it with them, send them to read this blog if need be. Once they realise that your intentions are good, they may start to feel better about it. It may also help to have some questions ready to support them in knowing what to talk about. Who did you see today, what things made you smile, what did you have for lunch, did anything frustrate you today, what did you learn, etc. All of these questions can lead to others that will help your partner open up.
Ok you’re ready, go and put this into practice and strengthen the connection you feel in your relationship. Good Luck.
If you feel you, or your relationship could benefit from direct support from me, my website offers lots more information on the work I do and how you can get in touch, please feel free to check it out.