The theory behind Love Languages came from Dr Gary Chapman (5lovelanguages.com), an American author, radio host and Marriage counsellor. He published his book on Love Languages in 1992 in the hope of helping couples around the world explore and understand the ways in which they communicate love.
Feeling loved is an essential part of positive development. Every person needs to feel loved by their partner, to feel safe, cared for, understood and ultimately happy. Yet not all people feel love in the same way.
The way we feel love is different for each person. You, may need to be told that you're loved, whilst others may need to be shown. We all have our own love language, and your love language will determine how you feel loved and how you show love. Just like the spoken language allows us to communicate thoughts, feelings and opinions to others, love languages allow us to communicate our love to another person.
So why is it so important?
Jamie & Alex have been together for 5 years but for the past 2 years their arguments have been getting worse. Both Alex and Jamie work full time and are usually home around the same time each day. They both have similar hobbies and share the same friends. Yet the time they spend together is minimal. Alex’s trips to the gym have been increasing and Jamie spends most evenings on his own. On the weekend Jamie makes plans to visit friends and Alex tends to make alternative plans. They both feel they're drifting apart and openly admit that they don’t like spending time together. When they do, it usually ends in an argument. Alex feels Jamie doesn’t appreciate the things he does around the house; he feels Jamie could do more. He often gets frustrated when things are left out, washing is overflowing, and he ends up doing the housework alone. Jamie feels Alex is too critical, he never has anything nice to say to him and has started to feel like he isn’t good enough anymore.
Jamie & Alex both claim to love each other. However, neither of them feels loved by one another, so what’s wrong? Jamie & Alex aren't speaking each others love language.
Most people assume that if they feel love in a certain way, then obviously, their partner will feel loved in that way too. For example, if being told daily by your partner that they love you, makes you feel loved and happy, the chances are, you will do that to show you love them. But what if they have a different love language? If your partner doesn’t feel that you love them, if they aren’t hearing that love in a way that they can perceive it, then of course, that's an issue. That’s why it’s imperative for you to learn, understand, and start to speak your partners love language.
Of course, there may be other issues to explore with Jamie and Alex but if they can start to communicate their love to each other in a way that they each understand, it will open communication to discuss other problems.
The 5 Love Languages
There are 5 main love languages that help us in our perception of love. Many of us will speak all 5 of these languages, we'll probably recognise and appreciate them, but each of us will have one primary love language that we will hear above all others.
Physical Touch
This person will know you love them through physical connection. This could be holding hands, hugging, snuggling on the sofa, kissing, hair stroking, sex, laying or sitting closely, placing a hand on their knee whilst driving or an arm around their shoulders whilst walking. The possibilities are endless.
Gift Giving
This love language relies on the thought and consideration given to your partner as you decide on a gift. It's not simply about the amount of money being spent or the number of gifts that are given, but the time spent in choosing a gift, the extent of knowledge you hold in being able to pick the perfect gift and the message that this portrays to them. They are worthy of your time; they are on your mind, and you love them.
Word of Affirmation
This person knows they are loved when they are told. Letting them know how much you love them, giving them compliments, acknowledging the way they look, their achievements and their importance to you, are all things that show them your love.
Act of Service
Showing your partner love in this language is all about the things you can do for them. Cooking a meal, doing the shopping, taking the dog for a walk, washing the car, doing the household chores. All these things make your partners life easier and/or their workload lighter. Doing these things will mean that someone with this love language will hear you.
Quality Time
This isn’t as simple as it may sound. Quality time is usually thought of as simply being with that person, in the same space at the same time. However, quality time goes beyond that. This person needs your undivided attention, the TV needs switching off, the laptop needs closing, the phones need to be out of the room. This person wants to talk to you, they want to spend time doing things they love with you, where you are present, engaged and fully onboard.
Recognising your love languages?
First things first you need to figure out what your own primary love language is.
Look at the 5 Love Languages above and think about the ways in which you feel love from your partner. Is it when they tell you, when they hug you, when they buy you gifts, when you spend time together or when they do things that make your life easier? Take some time to analyse yourself, its not just whether or not you liked them doing a certain thing, its more about the things they do that make you feel the most loved. As I said before, you will probably feel love across all these options but there will be one that’s stronger.
Now you have to think about your partner and try to figure out what love language they primarily speak. The best way to do this is to ask them. Open up a conversation about Love Languages and discuss what you know.
You can also start to work it out for yourself.
Think about your partner and how they are with you and the people around them. When they are trying to be nice, loving, or supportive, how do they tend to do it?
Do they buy lots of thoughtful gifts for people? – Gift Giving.
Do they offer to help people out, run errands, decorate their mums’ front room? – Acts of Service.
Are they physically affectionate, giving lots of hugs and kisses? – Physical Touch.
Do they tend to speak their love by telling people how much they mean to them, offering words of support or affirmation? - Words of Affirmation.
Do they spend lots of time with friends and family, arranging days out or meals? – Quality Time.
The chances are, if you give it a little bit of thought you can probably get a good enough idea. Remember they may have traits from all languages, but one should be prevalent.
If you still need help there are lots of quizzes available online that can help you, namely, the 5 Love Languages Quiz which was created with Dr Chapman himself.
Learning to speak your partners Love Language.
More often than not, you and your partner will have different primary love languages and you will need to start learning how to incorporate each other’s language into your daily behaviours. Opening up a discussion about Love Languages can help you both in understanding what you need from each other.
Let’s go back to Jamie & Alex.
Alex’s primary love language is Acts of Service, he regularly makes Jamie’s lunch for him to take to work, he makes him coffee every morning, he washes his clothes and makes sure his car is always up to date on the MOT and insurance. When he has free time, he will run Jamie’s errands and make sure other things are taken care of. This is how he believes he shows his love for Jamie.
Jamie’s primary Love Language is Words of Affirmation. He tells Alex on a regular basis that he loves him, he praises his sense of style and tells him how attractive he thinks he is. He always listens to him talking about his work and compliments him on things he has done well. Jamie always writes long passages in cards and on gifts and feels this is how he shows him love for Alex.
Both Jamie & Alex are speaking their love to one another, but unfortunately they're doing it in a way that isn't easy enough to understand by the other person and, more importantly, their lack of knowledge around this means their behaviours are causing significant pain.
Jamie tells Alex how special he is because that is what he needs to hear himself. Alex needs to start returning this to Jamie so he can make his feelings clear.
Alex looks after Jamie in a way that eases his stress and daily work, this is what Jamie needs to do for him.
Once you know your individual love languages, you both need to work hard to implement the behaviours that compliment them. They don’t have to be grand gestures; small things will go a long way to making positive change.
What if we speak the same love language?
Sometimes partners can have the same primary love language but still find themselves feeling unloved. When this occurs, it may be that they are each speaking the language in a different way.
For example, both my partner and I have the love language ‘Acts of Service’. However, when my partner cleans the house, takes care of the washing, or shops for food, I don’t perceive this as love for me. I appreciate it and acknowledge that it is helping towards our daily life, but I also know that my partner can’t settle until he does these things. It gives him a sense of satisfaction to complete them. Thus, it’s not something I feel he does solely because he loves me. For me, washing my car, checking the tyre pressure, cleaning my office, ironing a shirt he knows I need for a meeting, these are the acts of service that make me feel loved, these are the things he does for me that are just for me and, as such shows he loves me.
Having the conversation with your partner really is key to finding out what you need to know.
Is it that easy?
Well, to some degree, yes. You can work out your love languages, you can take the quiz, you can have a conversation and discuss the ways in which you can show your love to one another. That in itself may be enough to change things for the better.
However, sometimes its not that easy, sometimes people don’t know how to speak another language. Their own experiences and background may mean that speaking a certain language is extremely difficult for them. In which case they may switch off to the whole idea.
That’s where I come in, I work on Love Languages with all my clients, but I also work on lots of other things. We look at past experiences and how they have affected who they are today, the ways in which they engage with their partners and their belief systems. We work on communication and approach Love Languages in a way that is easier to digest and put into practice. If you feel this is something that would help your relationships and would like some extra support, please get in touch.