This month I have been focusing the majority of my content around Trust & Affairs.
As a Relationship counsellor in Yorkshire, I have a range of experience in supporting couples who are having issues in this area and I wanted to share some information that may help you in identifying the ways in which we develop trust and how these affect the way we trust in every day life.
As stated above Trust means different things to different people and our own understanding is very much influenced by our experiences from birth to the present day. Certain elements of trust are believed to be biological and studies have shown that young babies have the ability to perceive physical danger. However, other elements of trust are learnt via the experiences we have everyday of our lives.
Take for instance your childhood.
What was your first experience of a romantic relationship?
These experiences will shape the way you view your own relationships and your expectations of a potential partner.
If you grew up with a mother & father who were happily married, comfortably showed emotion to one another and openly expressed their love for each other whilst providing a safe and loving environment for you. You most likely grew up having learnt that a relationship was a safe and trusting union between 2 people where both parties were trusted to support and love each other and those around them.
As you grew up if this image of relationships was repeated in the people you came to know and spend time with, this view would get stronger. A relationship to you would be a loving bond where 2 people care, support and enjoy each others company. These would become the basic foundations of a relationship you would trust and expect.
Now you maybe thinking... Whats wrong with that? that sounds fine.
Well yes it does sound fine, good in fact, but what if your experiences weren't so good.
Lets imagine your parents relationship was a negative one. One where you never experienced them showing emotion to each other, where there was a lot of conflict, arguments, even violence. As a child that is difficult to experience but as an adult, that may have a huge influence on your relationships and the way you trust. As a child you may not have been able to predictably rely upon your parents behaviour to one another or towards you and therefore your ability to trust basic behaviours would be affected.
Growing up you may have come to understand that other relationships do not appear to be the same as your parents and subsequently understand it was wrong but your knowledge of what relationships should be may be limited.
In addition to this you may not have built up the basic skills required to maintain a healthy relationship. For example, having a disagreement with someone should not end in physical violence, and you probably know this, but stopping the violence is one thing, knowing how to resolve it in a healthy way is something quite different. For a person in this situation, when faced with a problem in their seemingly happy relationship, instead of acting violently or aggressively they may instead focus this negative attention elsewhere. Addiction, cheating, lying. the list goes on. This is a direct result of not having the skills or knowledge to navigate through normal relationship ups and downs in a productive way.
Of course this is just one example and there are many but hopefully it gives you an idea of how important our experiences are when it comes to trust and relationships.
For more information please get in touch and I will be happy to help.
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